~being a beach butterfly~

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Lately.. I have come to realise I have no tolerance for emotional pain. Give me an injury, an illness or even surgery any day. Just don't make me cry or angry.

I tend to be sensible about physical pain.
If it bleeds, wash it out and cover it up.
If it aches, sleep it off.

But what do you do with sadness? How do you wash off tears and cover up misery?
What is the cure for anger when you wake up and you're still fuming?

On account of this I tend to avoid painful situations. I have the tendency to cut off people from my life just so I do not have to deal with confrontation. I have ended relationships because I sensed difficulty on the horizon. I have moved from one country to another without so much as a heads up to my close friends because I hate goodbyes.

I am fully aware that this is a selfish and convulated way to avoid pain. But when my heart is at stake my survival instinct goes into overdrive. I refuse to stand in the middle of the road when I see a bus barreling straight towards me. SO i do what I do best. I walk away.

I think one of the worst things that was said about me is that I give up on people too easily. What makes that statement all the more wrenching is the fact that it may as well be true.

But when I walk away.. when I cut off friends or when I end a relationship .. I'm not giving up on other people. I'm giving up on myself - on my ability to perceive that pain is not always imminent, that people are not always out to hurt me. When I walk away I abandon the belief in the possiblity that the bus that seems to be barreling towards me will actually slow down when it sees me and is not trying to run over me.

I am fully aware that my fear of getting hurt is irrational. But when you've once found pain intolerable, won't you guard against all possibilities of feeling that way again? I am not justifying my selfish actions and irresponsible decisions. In fact, i wish I have been strong enough to deal with the pain and disappointments that have passed instead of turning my back and walking away from them.

But since I could not get my past back I'll make another wish ..
One day, hopefully soon i find the faith to believe again and stand still.

Labels: who me

beachbutterfly babbled @ 12:45 AM |

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: Name: beachbutterfly; Location: Canberra, Australian Capital Territory, Australia

i'm always on the verge of going somewhere else. Not one to settle, i've lived in 7 cities, 4 countries.. and well.. i intend to keep on counting. i live for travelling, shopping, making my parents proud, going to the beach, hanging out with people as insane as i am, boozing and ummm.. having the freedom to be the occasional bum

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